nathaniel

we went to the gynae on sat and during the scan he pointed to a little speck and proudly said:

'ah! im quite certain its a boy!'

for a split second, i was both happy and disappointed. happy cos i know my parents would want a boy (as there are already 2 precious nieces in the family) and disappointed cos when i talk to the baby at nite i always address her as emma. the Queen was hoping for a girl but oh well. anyway praise god for the smooth pregnancy so far: babe is growing well n Queen is also in good health. we are going for a wk long trip later this month and since its gonna be our last trip b4 baby comes we shall play hard and enjoy ourselves. hilton, marriott, intercontinental here we come!

oh well, there will be a detailed scan next month so we shall see how things go.

im setting up my baby fund 'Nat's Watch Me Grow Fund' and im relying on u kind hearted generous folks to donate monthly: yes it will be a giro system. how does $10 a month sound?

hush now

i was watching michael moore's slacker uprising online and it suddenly hit me: obama MUST win on nov4th, the world cannot have bush3rd for another 4/8yrs.

perception of the united states has gone to historically low that actually to a think tank based in washington, US's soft power has erroded considerably after it launched the fictitious war on terror. the troops were not greeted as liberators, wmd was never found, osama is still not caught and how innocent many civilians die in iraq as colloteral damage? we will never know. the most hawkish neo cons have never been near a war, they have not worn an uniform and obviously they would also never know the sound of dying comrades.

it always strikes me: this sheer hypocrisy of the yanks. kill white ppl and they call it terrorism, kill 30k viets/iraqis/communists and its....damn it...oopps...sorry....the guided missile went off course. then what the fuck is the use of a guided missile? ask rumsfield.

i felt v strongly on this financial crisis, i call it corporate terrorism, or corporate 911. when bush blasted greedy bankers on wall street and the regulatory authorities and democrats and everybody else, why didnt he look into the mirror? the govt is supposed to keep an eye on this , its their job, not when the economy is going belly up then u sprout shit like we r doing everything we could to avert a melt down. who fell asleep? who got complacent?

the ceos who bailed out with millions b4 the companies bled dry and let their staff's lifelong savings vanish overnight, why arent they prosecuted?

will check out the first round of the presidential debate later, apparently both parties claimed they scored. but i beleive the immediate polls showed that the public felt obama did a beta job.

come mon herbie, do the cat dance!

the 'grandnanny' is leaving on oct 3rd, on friday nite we had her farewell din at durty nellys. she doesnt know when she will be coming back again n i have this sneaky i prob have to fly to geneva to see her next time.

i love talking abt my ex house mates; this bunch of half mad, totally insane 3 women who were my pillars of support in my varsity years.

her flight is at 1am, i will be there. i hope i wont cry. but i think the other 2 will n i will prob be influenced by them.

if u want to forgive, forgive.

wat a lazy cosy sunday and im stuck in office dealing with childish, petty part timers. a shouting match happened earlier over matters which i tot, aint anything serious at all. come mon give it a rest! A wants to confront B abt something he said months ago. so what if he did. it always amazes me and it still does, that many adults actually have zero common sense. i look at my family and i know which cousins aint talking to each other cos 'im giving birth to a boy n u r not so hahahaha. '

wtf!

u can say im a door mat sometimes cos i dun see the pt in raising voices, when 2 persons yell its just bloody noise. i dun like the confrontional approach, i rather stab u quietly in the back while looking like the victim.

we did some calculations over our financial status and im grateful that the queen is a thrifty person n we have always maintained fiscal disipline when it comes to money matters, forced savings are non negotiable n though it may be bloodletting now i am glad we have acquired a comfy sum to see us thru the next few months. thank goodness i do not have to pole dance part time again.

was reading some random blogs and came across one which the girl has been (and still is) hit by her bf, there was a picture of him in her older posts. omg he looks like such a loser. as i scroll down i also realised he is those megalomanic who thinks he is some god's gift to girls. what a cunt.

sweetheart, shame on him if he hit u once.

shame on u if he hit u twice/thrice etc.

wake the fuck up! men dun change.

whose yr daddy?!

woo hoo, im going into another chapter of adulthood: fatherhood.

yes, im sure this comes as a surprise to many when i told my mates that my queen is now into her 14th week. boy or girl, we have no preference as long as the little one is healthy.

if its a boy we will call him nathaniel. if its a gal we may either call her emma or natalyn.

if u can suggest more names, please drop yr comments in the comments box la.

when i informed my colleagues yest during our weekly meeting there was alot of squealing and hi-fis going round, lolx, when they asked me how i felt when i initially heard the news the first thing that popped into my head is : we cant go nyc/boston/vermont in oct anymore!

anyway perhaps we wil plan a short trip next month but thailand is still messed up and so is malaysia whereas bali has been bombed twice. where the heck can i go?

p/s- all the tough talk abt letting junior listen to u2/depeche mode rather than evil nursery rhymes, i mean it. oh yea! whose yr daddy now!

6

finally had a boy's nite out with frog yesterday, we went to our fav haunt at liang seah n drunk mugs n mugs of san miguel while munching lay's sour creams chips n chicken wings. ah it was always great talking shit n bitching about our partners/work/bosses/colleagues/US politics.

2 party gals came n said hello. both were in short short skirts n barely-enuff-fabric-to-make-a-bloody-hankerchief tops, we said hello back n ended up buying them 2 shots*. we asked what exactly is the job scope of a party girl and she replied" to make customers happy". seeing the look of horror on our faces, she quickly added that its just pure clean fun. n she would never go out with any customers.

if i have a daughter next time n she wanna do part time work, i would never allow her to work as a party girl.

so we observed her in action as they hopped around tables, not unexpectedly, some assholes put their hands on her ass while talking. first time she brushed the hand away and playfully tapped the guy's shoulder. second time she pretended she has received a text msg on her hp n walked off. smart kid.

*we asked her to guess how old we were n she tot we were both 25.

next were the dancers, given that i have not been there for some time, its no big deals those dancers i used to see were not working. im no dancer myself but i gotta say, they look robotic up on the 'podium'. admittedly it takes a lot of balls to dance in public but heck where is the passion? the wow factor? no one clapped after the 3 song-15 minute long routine was over. tragic.

most of the audience were not watching or even if they had, many switched off after the first song n continued to inject their bloodstreams with more alcohol.

the dj whom i know personally was also no longer there but the choice of music has improved drastically. there was a period when they always play bloody rnb* but i heard 30 seconds 2 mars yest. how cool is that!

i asked my intern whether she has heard of depeche mode. she shook her head. but at least she is not a fan of rnb, ah there is still hope!

if love was the answer, would u please rephase yr question?

i have very few close friends, but many hello n goodbye acquaintances. how i define close friend is someone i would call immediately to share the good news if say i got a job promotion or won the lottery. i lost a few due to stupidity (that part i will come to later) but i also concluded, though im not friendship expert, that frens need a certain chemistry to keep/hold the relationship.



thats the stupidest thing i ever read, i hear u say. well i guess u r kinda right.



i have known alvin, my bestest non gay mate dude, since 1998 and though our daily emails (amounting a whopping 1000 in my 3 yrs in perth) the friendship happily sailed thru all this years. and looking back he wasnt me closest mate among the gang but i suppose others (n myself) got lazy and the frequencies of exchanges got lesser n lesser till good friends slowly dissolve into strangers. but when it comes to him, that dude's emails came fast n furious.



i printed some of the emails out and binded them into a book, a bit like copying the diary of anne frank, i fliiped thru it occasionally and marveled at the things that bothered us so long ago; mainly girl issues. some were funny, some were heart breaking,



eugene the toad/frog is another one who has been stealing horses with me since college days, i cringed at our old photos and the crap we used to talk about. during the yrs i was away he was the only one (beside my family) who bothered to send snail mail. bless his heart.


i truly believe in platonic friendship, just take a look at my 3 beloved ex housemates; kel, mich n jen.

we often talked abt going back to perth on a road trip together and visit our old house at slater court.

that brings to the main point today: can ex-es remain good friends? as in, u will still hang out , heck u will even intro ur new beau to yr partner during dinner n meant it in a non vicious way. personally i think ppl whom u once court or courted u can change to great buddies, i have numerous such gal mates.

but with my ex? lemme count with my fingers: personally, none. zip. i dun think im that big hearted. even now when i have a band around my finger i dun find the tot of being sandwiched between the queen n some ex not very comforting.

anyway was listening to new order's turn my way n gosh instantly i tot of this gal i once wooed in 2001. it is amazing how much a mere song could re-evoke vivid memories which i tot has been lost 4 good. she worked in bodyshop at j8 and on hindsight i dint believe i got so much balls to approach her n gave her my hp. horror upon horror, she did texted me after a few days. of cos thing dint out well, we dated but it kinda fizzled.

stories to share? tell me. leave yr comments.

let yr will & yr way be done

ah, the bbq was, with the exception of the specky girl winning the high jump, fun and it was so good to see all the cats again, esp the interns, i almost forgotten i have an acidic tongue til i see wy.

the beef sausages were yummy (they dun remsemble me emman, u of all ppl should know!) , the satay was awesome but the honey chicken wings totally rocked. i still dun believe they were home made, jan cant be this talented.

the Godfather

nowadays i been zzz less n less, harder to sustain a gd rest without waking up halfway and im waking up darn early, tired but awake. even its been after the 2 month after the memorable RT i found myself still losing weight. see, thats what this crappy industry does 2 ppl, i also spotted white fur recently.

what next!? long sightedness? bloody walking stick?

58, then 56, then 55, then 54, now 53.5kg?

wth!

anyway, couple of days ago i read this article (followed by a swift reply) from the dean of one of the faculty in nus saying that nus offers a beta education than most australian universities. whoa, that is certainly gutsy, strangely the aussie high commission didnt respond but instead was a local guy who retorted that the dean has slapped himself in the face by admitting his own kids r studying abroad. in fact he also went on to say most of the ministers' kids are prob studying or even working overseas after graduation. if nus is that damn good, how many they dun let their kids study here?

so i googled the times universities 2007 ranking: uni of melbourne, uni of sydney n australian national university ranker than nus, who was tied at the 33rd spot with uni of queensland.

dean, eat yr heart out. no unjust statements b4 gettign yr facts right.

now as u know, i know many who graduated (in fact i adore nus gals [yes, u!] beyond what my poor limited vocabulary can express) but i seriously dun think such sweeping statements should come outta a dean's mouth. i wonder where his kids r.

prob princeton (my dream uni), stanford or harvard etc.

but during my course of work, i have been constantly amazed by folks from ntu. ah, the very 3 letters hold a special place in my heart, how can i ever forget the happy days working there pretending to do stats.....the daily 3 hour journey, the cheap food, the 'hiow' nie trainees who sashay in their micro mini skirts..

at my last workplace i was lucky enough to work with 2 interns whom till today i must say, are certainly ntu's finestest. no intro is needed, u know who they are.

in contrast when i hopped over here, i had worked with interns from elsewhere n they pale by far in terms of committment n effiencies. its like me trying to outrun usain bolt. most of the time they are either smoking or talking or spendign too much time on youtube/msn. another one will be coming on mon, i asked IT whether the msn can be disabled. they happily obliged.

recently i got in a few part timers via word of mouth to do boring admin work n i dunno man.....dun take it personally but there is somehting that ntu ppl have that others dun. they dun talk a lot but they show up on time n dun bitch/whine. i like it, and its a rare trait among youngsters now.

speaking abt punctuality, i had an orientation n training session on tue scheduled for 3 birds, only one turned up. she is a code 1. the other 2 were code 3.

when i rang the 2, one was uncontactable so i put a big cross on her application with the word 'punkster' ie u can fucking forget abt working here anymore sweetheart. as for the other one, she was still at raffles place (it was already 10 mins past zero hour) doing dunno-what-fuck and she asked me whether i could wait for her. she dint call earlier to inform she would late, now that she was, she dint even apologise and had the bloody cheek to ask whether i could wait.

between clenched teeth, i told her no politely and perhaps i would schedule her another time. of cos, i wouldnt. on hindsight, i should have given her a piece of my mind.

that reminded me of this book by anthony bourdain i read many times over: he wrote;

"the person (chef, dishwasher, runner, waiter)who shows up on time for 6 months without fail is less likely to fuck u up than someone who has an impressive resume and cannot be counted to turn up on the dot.

i can teach anyone to cook but i cant teach attitude. either u have it or u dun."

ah, wise words indeed. nowadays i also follow that. whenever someone calls and scheule an appt to be a interviewer, i will note the time and observe. and i dare say those who are punctual turn out to be generally better workers.

even for the experienced birds, whenever there is a briefing, the late ones are normally those who will soon fall mysteriously sick or have a family member hit by a truck/tank/plane/airbus after a few days or dun complete half of their damn quotas.

yah!

i was having a meeting with some cunts from our regional office who expressed concern that the project was running too slowly. being a non manager level executive, i sat there and quietly judged them idiots and the rubbish that flowed from their mouths. one of them, i think, has a speech problem, she had to add 'yah' at the end of every sentence. wtf! that is not cute at all, coming from a 40 yr old something with grey teeth. i felt sorry for her special needs teachers, must be tough dealing with kids like these day in day out.

it was a cati project and as jan/emman would know, interviewers are paid via completes not hourly.

project was so horribly difficult (criteria hard, length atrociously long) that folks are dropping out like dead flies. so the question asked was: what the fuck happened?

of cos those 2 dint phase it that way but u can tell when they spilled crap like 'i dun understnad cos other countries seem to be achieving...'

i tried to stifle my yawn cos it was so predictable, then later as i listened more, i became annoyed.

to me, to move a project has only 1 solution: (assuming quotas cannot be loosened)

when the money is right, everything else is just noise.

but yet those cunts missed this out totally, they failed to see why ppl wanna quit the project cos they believe the price paid was reasonable.

if they had asked me for an opinion, i would have them how they would feel if they come in for days to call and not getting a single complete ie not earning a single cent.

answer that question n i will tell u why this project is so fucked to this very present day.

i once worked in cati, back in 04 when my life changed after i met jan. bless those 3-4 months, it was surreal being surrounded by 2 of the most charming and unique ladies i ever met. one threatened to stab withb her bloody pilot v5 while the other couldnt stop talking abt her fictitious child whose fav act is chewing toilet paper rolls.

at that time we were paid hourly, $10 to be exact, and in those few months i managed to save quite a fair bit but when i left, i vowed never to work as a surveyer again. its hard work n i knew had i been paid by per complete, i would have drunk bleach to end the misery.

thus i always find the way researchers talk to fw ppl very condescending, so i would like to add, til u yourself have worked as a surveyor, dun keep pointing fingers. and who the hell designed this questionnaires? i believe no one in the right frame of mind would wanna spend 30 minutes on the phone with u, and what do they get in the end, nothing!

come mon, im not v smart but i know that anything after 15 mins is not statistically reliable, ppl will just rush to end the call but the clients would not think so way. they figured out since they forked out so much money, they might as well pump in more questions. and the dumb ass researchers would sprout nonsense like we did the pilot and it was doable, under 30 mins.

pilots should never be done internally, u asses.

slit

i been caught in some time warp which i cant stop checking out old retro songs on youtube, these are songs i listened (still know the lyrics by the way) when i was abt 7-10 yrs old. i concluded hip hop, when contrasted to retro/alternative rock, is sung by artistes with the intelligence of retarded lizards. i dun respect anybody who can listen to that drivel and call that music. anyone can grunt and go on and on abt women, sex, bling, violence. makes me wonder whether the singers either grew in some third world country ripping each others' throats off and never had seen females b4.

here are a few:

1) a-ha - stay on these roads (still chills my spine, there is no one whose voice can come close to morten harken)

2) u2- with or without u

3) emf and tom jones - unbelievable

4) kylie -its no secret * so cheesy, so damn good

these are some of my all time fav songs which i never gotten sick of: u, yes u, should check them out.

1) depeche mode - policy of truth

2) u2 - stay

3) tears for fears- women in chains

4) third eye blind - god of wine

5) yellowcard- ocean avenue

6) nirvana - smells like teen spirit

7) lighthouse family - ocean drive

8) pet shop boys - to face the truth

9) staind - take it

10) red hot chili peppers - give it away

11) jackson browne -somebody else's baby

12) the cure -lullaby

slow down and hurry up

just the other day i was flipping thru recruit on sat when i saw the same nus post which i had applied for couple of wks ago...ah i believe that is a sure sign i dint even get shortlisted at all. darn it.

till now no bloody call from anybody yet, and while my boss was talking abt doing this and establishing that in the next 1 yr in our weekly meeting, i was happily thinking where i would be in 12 months time.

im still calm, in fact, strangely calm. must be divine peace in the heart. seldom happens to me, im paranoid by nature. and half crazy.

how so? do u know anybody who has 6 different brands of tea in the darn fridge?

that aside, i have been following the bloody olympics daily, and the game i enjoyed the most: women volleyball.

i was watchin the match between US and Poland and my nose couldnt stop bleeding, oh those polish gals. all blonde, all have nice slim legs, hot asses and are unbelievably beautiful. i fell in love with a few of them during the course of the match.

the Queen woke up from her nap on the sofa and tot i was having chest pain, i was indeed, i couldnt stop exclaiming oohs and ahhs everytime the camera zoomed in on the polish gals.

the yanks...lemme just say they have strange surnames. there was one with : ah-mow santos.

honest.

organic thoughts

the fc was surprisingly nice to me when i dropped by to finance, she was polite and i could sense she was starting to understand pissing off ppl is not the way to survive here. she needs me just as much i need her too. we can get each others' asses kicked though i would like to think i have the upper hand.

that is something i pondered, how fragile all these frenships forged at workplaces are. im nice to u not bcos i genuinely like working with u but i bloody have to cos i cannot foresee whether someday i may need a favor back and returning to a burnt bridge aint gonna help matters.

innit some truth in that?

i wonder whether i would miss the ppl if i were to say pip pip. when my boss told me abt her toto dream, i thought abt what i would do if i win that money (i dint buy toto, i dun even know how to fill in the bloody form).

snow's to do list.

1) withdraw 2 months worth of salary and return to HR while telling them i will disappear in 3 mins time
2) go to those damn researchers/colleagues which i cant stand and give them 2 kitkats*
3) delete my c drive n every important file
4) give my fav colleague a big ang pow 4 his daughter
5) buy a house in southern france , grow a beard and change my name to vincent le snow

it was a v happy 5 minutes day dreaming, thinking of these happy thoughts.

when one leaves, how often does one keep in contact and meet up the former colleagues for a cuppa?

honestly, that takes hella effort and i can only think of the good old JRC ppl who form the majority of folks here who actually bother to read this blog.

bless yr kind souls.

* not the confectionary of cos, 2 middles fingers. oh yea! take that sucker!

the wicked things we say

3 out of 7 ladies in ops are contemplating leaving as early as october, my boss being one of them. 1 has gone for her 2nd interview and is expecting the letter of offer soon whereas the other 2 have been actively hunting. she is openly telling me bloody crap like take good care of yourself, may the next boss may a better one than me... if i were to win the 8m toto, i would give ya 200k.

wtf!

i prayed this morning, not asking God 'please get NUS/NVPC call me' but more of confiding, praying in a conversational way. i seldom prayed this way, kinda like a monologue, speaking my thoughts out loud. maybe its divine peace but i dont feel the usual 'kan cheong' way i normally would feel and react upon hearing colleagues speak like that.

though i still made boo boos occasionally, im still surviving, but i also do wonder how long i can last.

til now i have nothing, zip, none, no responses from the places i have applied yet. if i recall correctly, i only sent in abt 5 resumes for jobs which i am interested. im not panicky cos i believe in the One upstairs to deliver me from my situation, i shall walk my talk and trust in Him for real.

no can do

i was texting a fren complaining that i have not received any call for an intw from nvpc when my conscience pricked me hard with ' hey havent u forgotten, its God in control, not u so dun be so bloody prideful'.

anyway dinner with emman n vic was tremendously fun, i seldom laughed this much n this loud. vic is still the same with his funny facial expressions and crude humor. emman looks happy but i think he is happier when he is with someone.*

* u know who u r so just come clean, damn it!

dharma flew us kite last minute so we gonna punish him on the 23rd.

i had forwarded my resume to vic as requested, cos he is now working for a recruitment firm. guess who his client is. nus. ah hah!

sometimes i do enjoy what im doing, and its not that im desperate to leave. but looking at it long term, MR doesnt pay well so its best to go b4 the country slips into a recession.

ur unbelievable

the new fc is really pathetic, first she cant do simple math and read costings, thus resulting me in emailing my bosses a memo dripping with sarcasm. then now due to some procedural error, she has caused some of us a delay in receiving our monthly payment. honestly how can anyone screw that up? really.

she aint well liked , n i suspect this incident would have tightened the noose about her head.

but what a nice SUV she drives until i remembered something i read in a book somewhere, money dun buy u personality.

nicely said.

if u want to, say it now

my boss told me she has been applying for other jobs, initially i dint know how to react or what to say, i nodded after a few seconds. then she told me if im doing the same thing.

believe me, her post is not an enviable one, if i make mistakes, i still have her for buffer but when u r at the top, things get nasty (ie finger pointing when projects stuff up )during the fw meeting and i can see her looking like someone hit her on the head with a fish.

another colleague just fcuked up her job, big time. BIG TIME! she is leaving next month thus she slipped into a dun-give-a-rat-ass attitude, on friday she took MC and the whole fw team has to step in and clear her crap. we reliased to our horror, as we pieced the puzzles together, she simply dun care at all. what the interviewers know and what was communicated to us was 2 different matters.

'dr ho' took over one of the outdoor project, 'sister neo' took over another outdoor project wheras 'babe' and i helped to supervise her already dying cati project which simply refuses to move.

i like to think im not a harsh person by nature by when i see her coming in the morning asking others why they kept calling on fri til she could not take a nap, i had an urge to bitch slap her.

it breaks my heart cos i know she can work if she puts her mind onto it.

not wanting to own up to yr mistakes is bad enuff, blaming others for not allowing u 2 zzz really tops the cake.

was that what moses felt when he led the people outta egypt?

are humans this forgetful/ungrateful by nature?

maybe, or perhaps, there is no such thing as coincidence or luck

i got 2 interesting incidents to relate:

last tue i was at home still feeling grumpy when i decided to flip thru the recruit from the previous sat papers, i saw a full page ad from NUS and went online to find out more about the job scope.

the next day, a fren* forwarded me a pdf file which was originally sent from her sister, telling me that i might perhaps find something interesting. it was exactly the same advert i saw the previous nite, i would like to conclude it is not coincidence.

2 days ago on sat, i again flipped thru the sat recruit and saw something i fancy: a job at nvpc. the job scope is ok, location in town, and best of all its a non profit organisation. good! cos im a bit flustered working for companies who care only for the damn margin.

anyway the next day during bible study, i asked my mates there to pray for me; pray that God may open a window for me soon. i briefly told them abt this nvpc post and my cell leader remarked that one of the directors there is in the same church. apparently there is another member from my church working there too.

whoa.

that can help matters a lot, really.

so after bible study is over, i asked my leader whether he could introduce me to him next sun, he said ok and after going online, i learnt that the director is not from HR but still hold a powerful post in the organisation. its not my intention to suck up next sun but i do want to find out more abt the place
n hopefully he would be impressed by my intellect. # joke, intended.

the happy gang* was surprised when i told them i had applied for the govt post, when i talked about the job scope, they were going ' no no, its good u dint get in cos i have a fren who is there n he/she is now ... blah blah'.

*i think its God's way of sending human angels along my way to encourage, n to pick me up when im down.

moreover, the verse that stuck me deeply yest was from Romans 8: 31; if God is with me, who can be against me?

how apt.

n that reflects how faithless i am 4 the past one wk.

maybe, maybe not, maybe _ urself

is it my imagination that this place is quickly moving down a slippery road or why r the 2 poor bastards who are selling their organs the only ones being punished?

what abt the buyers, aint they the ones creating a demand for this black market business?

spare me the talk abt ethnics, if u wanna play, play fair. but i doubt we are.

those 2 guys: one earning $120 and the other $140 a month, that is barely enough to feed their families. why the heck are we prosecuting them? what is the crime they have done? what good does it do when they get thrown into prisons even if its a 'light term'?
 
why isnt there any mention of the buyers in the newspapers articles?

why do i always keep apologising?

enough is enough, i have gotten sick n tired of my bitching and whining. no one likes wussy people, so i shall quit being wallowing in self pity n turn up a notch in my job hunting. just sent out 2; nvpc n smu. heh.

turn your anger into lust!*

* from Big Machine- goo goo dolls. i love that line, makes me wonder whether im some potential serial rapist.

===========

it still hurts a little when i think about it

im helping my colleague to run his project for the next 2 days, poor sod, i can understand and had been under the pressure he is facing now. i guess if anyone from my dept is gonna leave, it may v well be him. he is almost there, at the threshold; one more push and he would flip and give everybody the finger.

=========

dinner yest was fun yet solemn, i realised im more fcuked up than i really care to admit. after pondering about it, i think i know why im angsty most of the time. - disappointment; with myself, with people/work/colleagues around me, with my soul destroying job, with my failure (or lack of direction) to land myself a better career.

i loathe myself for being a doormat most of the time and i loathe the fact i find it hard to stand up for myself and when i do, i would regret saying things which i shouldnt had, which i shouldnt feel bad verbalising it in the first place.

boink boink boink

i dint make it thru the first round, my heart sank when i saw the email.

for a few brief moments, i wanna curl up on my couch n lie there.

i started praying, actually i didnt know what i wanna pray abt, but i remembered asking for divine help as i have pinned all my hopes on M in getting outta this place.

then i tot of something that humbled me: it must be god's will thats done, not mine. i shouldnt be getting upset n feeling crestfallen. then i tot of the job scope and things which i felt i wouldnt like doing on a long term basis, then slowly the negativity faded away.

now im much beta, cos i be applying for NUS next. lolx.

never surrender, never give up, never retreat.

lastly: never lose hope.

after your morning prayers, it started raining pizzas at 7pm

it went ok! thank u Lord. thank u for hearing my repeated prayers, but i do know it must be yr Will thats done, not mine. 

i have expected to be grilled left right center, must be divine help cos i dint get asked tough questions or get my resume ripped to shreds (u know how some interviewers love to zoom in right down to the small minute details) but still that may be as its still the first round.

past few days of reading the papers have aided tremendously and zero intake of heaty crap makes my spotty face less spotty n pink.

2 ladies firing questions while the carrie lookalike HR gal was busy scribbling notes. now my silly mind is still replaying the whole process; what questions i could have answered better, yea i know;the pursuing a MPA part.

as 4 the 2nd and last final hurdle, HR said she would get back to me within 1-2 wks (if i clear) so im keeping my fingers crossed.

then she asked wht i wanna have a cuppa coffee sometime soon, so we r meeting this wk end.

no la of cos! but really if someone says she is carrie's twin separated at birth i would believe without any doubt.

emman, u should be there, lolx. the resemblance is unbelievable. 

trying not to psyche myself up too much n too high, the fall will be extremely excruciating. im expecting pop and biggy sis to call me anytime soon asking how things go. 

back to my tv n marks and spencer chips, i been waiting to eat that! 

p/s- hello annie!

Day 1? *woo hoo*

i cleared Day1 of the NEC (finally! after the 5-6th attempt), now going into the 2nd day. i thank God that i was to resist the tempations and held back my tongue on numerous occassions. i am also grateful that things in office were generally ok w/o my boss despite a few minor mess ups.

my pop n ma seemed more excited than i after i told them abt the first session on thursday, pops kept reminding me not to say nasty stuff abt the 'garmen' and dress smartly and combed my hair and put on a tie and reach on time etc etc....

i changed it to thurs 2pm as there was a project scheduled that day and i need to handover some things to my boss after she returns tomorrow.

 n now the project is postponed til fri, whatever.

sometimes, the solution is worse than the problem

dealing with people is probably the hardest component of my work; simply put, my main job scope consists of deployment (begging assholes to do other assholes' jobs) which initally, if u do not know the interviewers well, could be very very difficult as the mutual trust is not there.



trust is a tricky double edged sword. too lil trust, no one wants to work for u. too much trust, they start whining and bitching abt other interviewers and expect u to speak up for them when projects r hard/payment is low/person is charge has bullied them.



the latter just happened 5 mins ago;interviewer was whining abt her quotas, i was telling her politely that she should go to the project exe in charge instead, still she droned on for another 20 mins (this must be how hell feels like) i was ready to hit my head with some blunt object.



having survived one yr there (which has caused me to age considerably) i observe that managing ppl is a needful skill that one, as he/she moves up in their careers, inevitably has to master.

how to be firm yet non threatening?

how to be friendly yet without being viewed as a bloody doormat?

im glad no one has ever slammed in the phone when i called or address me as jackass, i am able to convince n relate to my 'sheep' despite having a few wolves in the midst. the other day, 2 interviewers bought me lunch at an indian restaurant 4 my bday and another ordered pizzas but unfortunately i was still on leave and the 3 pizzas were quickly eaten by the evil ungrateful colleagues.

darn it.

cheyenne

had lunch with my ex bf yest, our relationship is truly strangely bizzarre. one minute i told him to forget me while recommending my services as the maid of honor, the other minute we are paddling each other's pops.

lolx.

i interrogated him the same things i asked jan last fri, why are the 2 of u so secretive and always speaking in riddles?

jan, if u r reading this, things have always been up if u get my drift. of cos u wil, u n yr filthy mind.

viva la vida

im at work now, on a sleepy lazy rainy sunday afternoon till 8pm. its gross, this duty system which everybody has to perform a wk end duty almost every month. its already my 2nd wk end burnt, had to go to a job fair at hougang the first sat. it rained that day too but at least i could ppl watch n talk rot with my colleague Y who is prob of the most vulgar guys i ever known.

his world is filled with copulating inanimate objects and ppl screwing themselves. he has a strong dislike for code 2 & 3 ppl which i guess folks in MR will know who im referring to.

if i were to leave one day (i hope i wont have to wait v long ), i will greatly miss him a lot cos he is completely w/o pretences and honest abt ppl here. this is a rare trait i seldom see in ppl nowadays. n he is well read in current news and that makes it easy to discuss abt everyday events.

saw from facebook that edmund is starting a new job tomorrow, great news. im glad he managed to find something so quick in a matter of wks after going to perth.

i came across a picture we took when we travelled down to busselton jetty in 2000, he was crazy abt fishing along with tong n gab and i was so bored that i read a book n chewed on a mars bar when waiting for them. i strolled up and down the jetty a few times but then got bored.

if i rem correctly, they did caught some fish but what i recalled clearly was the cold freezy wind blowing in my face and how silly i must had appeared, trying to press the pages down tightly. one of these days i will scan the pics and put them up.

i last went back in 04 and stayed with becky at cannington, now the kiddo has moved eastward and though the 10 day trip was fun, it felt different when i dropped to zph (ex church) cos many of the ppl were no longer there anymore and the newbies looked absolutely ridiculous, whatever they were wearing.

come mon, its a church. we r not in tokyo.

in my head are thousands of mental pictures and events that r still so crystal clear and stuck longer than the stuff i learnt from the professors.

ah perth... best and bittersweetest 3 yrs of my life.

when i used to have the world

but most of the time i wish i have never met u, so that i never have to swallow this bottle and watch u walk away.

call it divine intervention, call it supernatural power

till now im still slapping myself every 5 mins to make sure im not in a dreamstate, yoo hoo i got called up 4 the first intw on wednesday!

my colleagues kept asking why im smiling non stop, they tot its cos my boss is on leave.

considering that i have never been called up for an interview b4 (despite having applied there a few times in back 2003-2005) and also not forgetting the horrid brain-frying apt test which i sat for that almost shortened 2 yrs of my life, i cant fathom how i got shortlisted for the first round.

my handwriting was crap (looked like drunken ants that fell into a ink pot and started scurrying ard on paper), and i wasnt sure wht i have drawn and analysed my diagrams accurately. on top of that, my grades in school arent good and i know im not smart.

when the unexpected call came, i held my breath n squeaked meekly. when the lady uttered the magic words 'u have been shortlisted' i nearly jumped outta my seat n i cant stop thanking her.

how the heck did i get in?

not by luck, thats for sure. i dun believe in luck or coincidence.

its the big guy J who has heard my prayers n shown his kindess and blessings. its still a long way to go: 2 rounds of intwerviews but its a great wonderful start. almost unbelievable.

im immensely grateful for that and yr (yes, u!) prayers.

happy like bird!

elise

the ERP gantries will cost $1 or $2 more from july 7th onwards, in view of the skyrocketing fuel costs which the poorer ppl are struggling to cope with, i tot this annoucement came at a v bad timing. wat indeed was the MOT thinking?

a 5 kg pack of rice used to cost less than $8-9, now its almost $13. is it any wonder i always feel hungry so quickly aft lunch? why? cos the darn bowl of rice that comes in my chicken/duck rice in most hawker centres/coffee shops is only 3/4 filled.

wth!

if one drives to CBD twice (in n out daily) and each gantry cost $1 more, that is at least $40 more per month of top of the driver's current ERP cost. we r not including the petrol prices which, do u notice, the oil companies are ever so eager to raise up but when cost of oil slides, i dun see the any price adjustment. note: one barrel of oil now hovers around $120 USD. last yr it was about $75 in june.

what would be the projection price for next yr? u go figure. i dun wanna think abt it.

i dun own a car, though i sometimes borrow my dad's car n drive to ntuc pretending im james bond.

& initially i tot i would maybe get a vehicle after my income reaches $xxx amount but now, the piece of glossy metal seems more of a liability than an asset.

eleanor

i gotta restart NEC: something nasty slipped outta my mouth (wtf!) when the AM threw a last min curve ball at me, thankfully the issue is resolved relatively quickly but hey, im the only one holding the fort these few days and this kind of emergency gimmick is not welcome.

tomorrow is a brand new start

chelsa

Day 1 - 19/06/08

the clock begins ticking now: no swearing, no naughty words involving fornication

it sounded relatively easy on theory yest, but putting words into actions is not mean feat, esp after i reached office and work starts creeping up.

i better speak less today 4 my own good.

p/s- hawaiian pizzas and e=mc2 shall keep me motivated

i'll ignite 4 u

one of my all time comfort songs- yellow card's light up the sky acoustic

if u have good musical taste (like me!) u may enjoy it too :P

R.T

like the most of the unfit singaporean men i know, i had been attending rt which has thankfully ended on 10th june. by right it should end on 12th which is absolutely dreadful, i was praying v hard that the last lesson ie test would be cancelled. and God heard and granted my wish. yay!

anyway, in the 1st phase of rt one has to attend training twice, one wk day and wk end.

after the 1st month, u will take the test:upon failing u be classified as the 'condemned' and thus proceed to phase 2 which consists of 3 training sessions weekly. 2 wk days and 1 wk end. at this pt, the PTI (physical training instructor) also kinda gave up hope on u cos the chances of u clearing the final test is almost nil.

how many passed in the phase 1 test? from my observation: less than 15%.

actually i quite enjoy the wk day training sessions cos i get to leave work early at 5pm, heh heh heh.

the sunday mornings are the hardest, waking at 7am for the 8am session was tough. by the time i reached home im too exhausted to go church,

i suck at running, but i excel at pull ups and sit ups but it is still useless cos just like failing English at ur O Levels, once u flunk running, u flunk the whole damn test.

so this time round i took my training seriously, i ran and tried not to walk unless im really outta breath and the heart was abt to give way.

my last timing was 13.28. i fell short of 28 seconds to pass. darn it. the rest of the stations i cleared w/o any problems.

there is something v different from this yr's RT compared to previous yrs; i really tried, i ran till my ears were flapping, so even though i failed, i can tell myself i dint quit n i did the best i could.

not unsurprisingly: i also lost abt 4 kg, which means i can now wear my current pair of pants which i have not worn since early 2007.

ke ke ke.

i feel pretty, i feel pretty....la di da

shine

met Jen my ex housemate for dinner, a belated bday celebration. Kel n Mich couldnt come but i was told i could choose a present. i opted for a phone, the one in my place was so concussed that i cant hear any bloody dial tone.

jen talked abt mich going to switzerland in oct to learn culinary, the 4 of us went a long long way back since jul 98. we lived together, laughed, loved, annoyed, adored and hated each other, all at the same time. there r not many frens (i would almost consider these 3 as family) whom u can still have chemistry having not met for a long time. til now, whenever we met up, we still crack the same jokes, talked abt the same stories, gossiped abt the weird ppl we know. i dun think she will come back ever, she once asked in 06 wht i would attend her wedding in canada (cos its the only place at that time where they legalised same gender marriages) so i said of cos, where else would i wanna be?

anyway i bought a philips cordless phone and the funny thing is, u buy a phone, u get chicken essence FOC and a $30 philips voucher. i can understand the voucher part but not chicken essence. its like u buy hair wax and they give ya a tube of suger glue n a free bowl of laksa.

we talked abt sunday christians, monday sinners.

defined as ppl (im also guilty) who attend church on sundays, sing songs of praise, give tithes but when monday reverts, they are back to square one.

my DG mate once worked in a christian organisation and he was appalled by the hypocrisy he sees, so called christians colleagues r nastier than the non believers.

where is the love, respect, kindness, patience?

after morning prayers were over, the fangs came out. its u against me not us working for the gd of the organisation. he left after 2 months as he dint believe in ass kissing.

72 hours

to J:

here is the bet:

no cussing for 72 hours in exchange for a meal at nydc.

u r on. the clock shall start ticking tomorrow.

sounds difficult for a foul mouthed sod like me but i know i can do it.

oh, think beautiful thoughts: thoughtful colleagues, easy projects, mindef calling, lots of kilkenny.

==================================

to J number 2:

thanx for being my 'number 1' fan. pls add more comments and critique my bad english. i somehow still detect subtle sarcasm but...nevermind...tat is what makes u, you. awwww.

sleeping with ghosts

this was what happened last time:

www.yourpositivity.blogspot.com

13:16

i was given a proverbs calendar* (thank u!) and interestingly the verse today is:

every prudent man dealeth with knowledge but a fool layeth open his folly.

something struck me: perhaps its time i should start/try/attempt to cut down on my expletive language n stop being so angsty. besides possibly stumbling the fella believers, i may unwittingly offend others ie my bosses or colleagues. the latter may had happened for all i know. those who know me know that i pepper my sentences with fcuk urself/wat the fcuk/motherfcuker/c*nt/c*cksucking idiot/bitchassmotherfcuker etc in fact, not surprisingly most of my fav movies contain explicit words: heh heh heh.

snatch, the departed, amercian history x, goodfellas, magnolia etc

the day i received the proverbs calendar, i hosted dinner for 3 lovely beautiful ladies. funnily, i found myself watching my language carefully cos i was terribly afraid i may blurt out something offensive.

* i would like to think its God reminding me He is in control., esp at the workplace. u know, u do ur work and occasionally u look up and see the verse for the day and u go, ah i can apply this to my everyday life. the Lord works in mysterious ways.

south street, o'connor

ed and Ja left 4 perth abt 3 weeks ago, when i went for their farewell bbq party i asked him what would be the thing that he would miss abt this place.

without battling an eye lid he said nothing.

he is happily now either fishing or chilling out at home while ja has gone to the 'dark side' and decided to work for the enemy, curtin uni.

one snort. two snorts. threee snorts.

think of red rooster, think of chicken treat, think of fremantle fush n chups, think of somerville palace restaurant, think of......i think u get it. 

anyway, i hope they are happy. i pray that God will look over them n keep them safe. its not easy to restart and uproot yr lives again aft returning but i know they are not satisfied living here. i totally understand: there is something fundamentally wrong with this place but i cant quite put a finger to it. is it the culture? the rudeness? the costs of living? the oppression? we have not been v close since we returned in 2001, each has his own life but nevertheless i was honored when he asked me to be his bestman.

now that he is 5000 miles away i wished i had spent a lil more time with him b4 he left. though we did manage to lunch at swiss culture for the final time, the damn wings were outta stock. 

i couldnt go to see him off, first reason was work, that wk was horrid, secondly; i am not gd at saying goodbyes. most prob i will end up saying tata with salt water streaming down my face.

sometimes when u wanna look 4 the guilty party, all u need to do is to look into the mirror

sometimes i think maybe its my face, or unless my interviewers feel i can be their PT agony aunt, i dunno why they like to ring me and tell me their personal R/S problems.

which brings me 2 rule 1: never give out ur hp easily

i suspect that many people like to be tortured emotionally, they get caught in the lousiest relationship with a dick/bitch for a partner (who obviously dun care abt u/is sleeping with someone else) and all they did was to whine n whine some more, so i would go: why not break up n walk away? why r u still doing these 2 yrselves?

they can justify and internalise and rationalise the partner's behaviour and come up with a thousand reasons. look, i dun care how good they were in the past, but if u r gonna continue thinking one day they would change, u r gravely mistaken sweetie.

investing the past 3/4/5 yrs of yr time/effort/emotions doesnt equate to hanging on for the sake of hanging on.

n i may as well tell u in ur face: hope will fcuk u up in the end. it always has.

i dun quite fathom how relatively smart, attractive ppl r slaves to such destructive relationships.

woe behold to those who like to add: i cant be alone etc i need to be with someone. what rubbish is that? if u cant be happy by yrself, what makes u think u can make others happy?

guys: dun use great sex as an excuse, i heard it a thousand times. look what it did to fcukface.

gals: dun use yr bodies to keep him, u can do beta. there r actually decent guys out there, if u look hard enuff.

if u already know, why do u still ask?

dear lord,

i know i have not been v disciplined in going to yr house on sunday mornings, i know i shouldnt blame it on the RT but sometimes i admit i was too lazy to go listen to yr word.

please cast yr divine intervention and allow the examiner to look at my test script with supernatural leniency, cos i really hope and wish i would receive a call this wk. please let it not be the dreaded email.

i dun have much brains, but i would like to think u were by my side during that monday, guiding with yr outta-this-world wisdom. honestly i felt like my life has been shortened by a few yrs after i stepped out of the room. i was reeling slightly.

nothing i do could make things any beta, except u. u know how much i find the things here increasing loathesome.

pls help me, amen

fortune favours the brave

4 days just went by so fast so i found myself, as usual, reluctant to wake up today for work. i slowly took my time to shower, eat n drag my ass down to the bus stop. i guessed i was not alone, i saw a 'regular' while waiting for my bus, she looked as if she was going to a funeral.

that's what mondays and a long break could do 2 u.

thurs:

had a fabulous lunch at molly malones with Fag, its great getting stoned b4 2pm. try it.

watched the Happening; it was crap, so crap so i decided to cross M Night Shymalan from the list of my fav directors

went library: borrowed 4 books

reached home: napped and blasted yellowcard while reading n having a cuppa

had dinner with W

Friday:

Jan bought me lunch at NYNY, thanks so much. i still cant forget what u said when we were queuing up at the supermart.

its something that i tot guys would say but then....oh well.....how come u can read my tots so well?

p/s: im saving up 4 yr red packet. really.

sat:

oh the lunch at patara was so awesome that i could still taste the crab curry, the steamed sea bass drenched in minced garlic and chili flakes and the pan fried cod with basil leaves.

www.patara.com.sg

the company was great, which i supposed made the food more delectable. i left the place giggling like a school girl. the alacarte buffet lunch was worth every single cent.

i was touched by my interviewers who bought me lunch at apollos on wed and the kiddo who ordered pizzas for me but unfortunately i was still on leave, bless their kind hearts.

& not forgetting the rest who texted me and reminded me that i am a teenager trapped in a 30s something body.

true?

true. every word of it.

resurrection

last day of summer, first day of fall

friday the 13th, i had a great lunch with Jan. admittedly our conversation was peppered with crap, nonsensical tots but hey what i suggested earlier may not be that unreal in the future.

i will be the damn chicky mascot, bring me the gravy!